MANIC MONDAYS (pun shamefully intended)

Due to icy roads I didn't make it to my second psychiatric appointment so my dosage has stayed the same, but I go tomorrow.

I notice a difference and I think once the dosage is increased a bit it will be even better. I am less on edge, not as quick to react, and less moody. Also, I'm not as overwhelmed about the mundane things. I am sure my children and husband are relieved yet waiting for the ball to drop. I'll be glad when there is no ball to drop but simply general, average things that would irritate anyone. What I am most relieved about is how much less I yell. I didn't spend my days yelling but it seemed to my first reaction to tension. I am able to talk and reason with the children more which feels peaceful.

Someone asked me about my first post talking about the disorder. They specifically wanted to know what I meant by stating "And the peace in God that is already inside can come out and be celebrated." They reasoned if peace in God is inside then the inability to display and celebrate may mean the peace doesn't really exist.

The peace in God I feel on the inside is stifled by the depression, anger, paranoia, and moodiness that has clouded my mind. Some of these things can be controlled by being optimistic and having faith; but a lot of it, because of the disorder, overrides any reasonableness I have in my relationship with God. So, I KNOW and FEEL peace in my heart and mind but the symptoms of the disorder untreated take precedence. So, the peace is somewhat of an underlying peace waiting to break out. I hope I've explained it well.

"the Lord make his face shine on you and be gracious to you;" Numbers 6:25

MANIC MONDAYS (pun shamefully intended)

Lately I've been thinking of my husband and how he's had to live with an undiagnosed and untreated spouse. I wonder if I had been diagnosed and on medication from the start if our journey would have been that different, and just how much the disorder has played a role. I can't blame everything on it but I can't discount it's effects either. Would I still have been angry, said those stupid or scathing words, thrown the tantrums, or made sure he was confused and as hurt as I was? How much has been me and how much has been the illness?

I am certain of one thing though: he loves me. He absolutely, unconditionally loves me. He loves me in sickness and in health because he has decided to. I am grateful. He is one of the few people who truly can love unconditionally and not be swayed. I shamefully cannot say the same thing about myself. I have my limits. I shouldn't, but I do. If the tables had been turned would I have reached that limit?

Though I did jokingly inform him the other day that the diagnosis does not absolve him from his responsibility during the tumultuous parts of our marriage. I guess it would be easy for both of us to try that.

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." 1 Corinthians 13:4-7

MANIC MONDAYS (pun shamefully intended)

One of the issues I want to explore on this blog is mental illness. One week ago I was diagnosed with Bipolar II Disorder. So, as I partake in a trial and error journey with medicines, dosages, and changes in behavior I want to share it. I want to share it because 1) the stigma associated with mental illness, specifically within the Christian community, 2) if this is my struggle I'd certainly like to help someone else either going through it or avoiding going through it because they're afraid, and 3) give information and thoughts to aid friends of people with a mental illness.

When I was diagnosed three feelings were prevalent - I was disappointed because the diagnosis wasn't simpler, I was embarrassed because I felt crazy, but I was relieved because it explained EVERYTHING, and there has always been a part of me that thought something more than depression was involved. The psychiatrist carefully explained to me I was bipolar, probably manifesting itself in my early teen years. He also explained through the years it was accompanied at various times with post traumatic stress syndrome and after the birth of my twins, postpartum depression.

The psychiatrist said it was chronic and I would need medicine my entire life. He warned me if I stop taking the medicine relapses are worse each time. Since last Tuesday I've been taking a mood stabilizer and an anti-depressant. I have felt very tired most of the time, though I have not been reacting frantically and on the edge as much. Perhaps my tiredness is more from the depression I've had because of the diagnosis than the medicine itself, only time will tell. My ultimate goal is to function because my family doesn't function if I don't. And the peace in God that is already inside can come out and be celebrated.

So, each Monday I'll explore something different about mental illness. I hope you can use the information. For the meantime here is a link to inform you: Mayo Clinic Description

"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." John 14:27

God Bless You,
Barbara